my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Randomize
