They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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