I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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