Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize