Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
