as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
