Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
