Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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