Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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