Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The air taste purple.
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