My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
