I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
