another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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