How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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