uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
