we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
