I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We got so high we made milksteak
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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