I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
