Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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