I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize