Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
