She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
