i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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