I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
