I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
