Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
