not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
