You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
