she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
