Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
