you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
why is half of my head shaved?
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