It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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