I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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