Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
