is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
