How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
