I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
