This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
me + whiskey = a bad person
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
