Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
