Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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