i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
