I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
