Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
