see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
