So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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