i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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