dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
