Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize