he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
