Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
This baby is an asshole
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
