Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
