Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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