Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It's rum buckets o'clock
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
