I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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