i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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