I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
